Dreaming Aloud ...

jam-ming

2005-11-04T19:36:00.000+08:00

minsan sa may kalayaan tayo'y nagkatagpuanmay mga sariling gimik at kaya-kanyang hangad sa buhay
sa ilalim ng iisang bubongmga sekretong ibinubulongkahit na anong mangyarikahit na saan ka man patungo
ngunit ngayon kay bilis maglaho ng kahapon
sana'y huwag kalimutan ang ating mga pinagsamahan
at kung sakaling gipitin ay
laging iisipin na minsan tayo ay nagingtunay na magkaibigan
minsan ay parang wala nang bukas sa buhay natin inuman sa magdamag na para bang tayo'y mauubusan
sa ilalim ng bilog na buwanmga tiyan nati'y walang lamanngunit kahit na walang pera ang bawat gabi'y anong saya
ngunit ngayon kay bilis maglaho ng kahapon
sana'y huwag kalimutan ang ating mga pinagsamahan
at kung sakaling gipitin ay
laging iisipin na minsan tayo ay nagingtunay na magkaibigan
minsan ay hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari kahit na anong gawin lahat ng bagay ay merong hangganan
dahil ngayon tayo ay nilimot ng kahapon
di na mapipilitang buhayin ang ating pinagsamahan
ngunit kung sakaling mapadaan baka ikaw ay aking tawagan
dahil [minsan :( ] tayo ay naging

tunay na magkaibigan

drugged

2005-11-04T19:27:00.000+08:00

was it the acid dear that drew you near melting with your sweat freezing still your heart to make you feel entranced was it the magic of mountain mushrooms that enchanted you with the hallucination of me,of love for i from thee could it have been these potions had it been merely chemical reactions o how it pains me to see what should have been true impaired us both how it pains me to see it was reality that killed us when it shouldve kept us afloat drugged and magical sober yet dull now i want to live in the magic of it all to go back and waste away than to consider reality and be held back from you

pride in prejudice

2005-10-31T18:42:00.000+08:00

when i think of he whos hurt me most i mourn for a lover or a love not lost at him i cannot look with angry eyes but better i instead inside die. there is no love but dignity crushed for i denied this honest match

alas i am dying in this lonesomeness

ecstasy extano

2005-10-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

how a little ecstasy could make you forget how a little honesty could determine your death. please free me!!

mental

2005-10-09T20:13:00.000+08:00

i need to put myself together stop wallowing in this senseless kind of lethal pain walking the silver line in this mind of mine im another asylum bound fucker

ten fold karma

2005-10-01T12:08:00.000+08:00

last week ive felt ten fold karma eat up me up and carry me to my grave it felt like hell but it got me thinking what is hell maybe not too far from here could there be anything more painful than this world i dont know i came up with so many wrong decisions ive been a fool walking dead expecting to see something more than what is best but ive thrown him who is best to search for more .why. we are never contented we are blind we are humans walking upside down now he is lost or gone i rejected the best that will never return yet i search and wait for this day ? and suddenly someone else. a fox. beautiful taking shapes of beauty it could be him i wanted to believe but shape shifters shape shift to mad shapes and eventually kill and so thats what happend to me stabbed in the back by a beautiful fox i so wanted to believe now nothing is true in this life i want to live in fantasies and maybe a piece of wonderland like alice once did she saw everything that did not exist i guess that made her happy. how unfortunate it mustve been for her to be awaken

...

2005-06-27T11:03:00.000+08:00

when you look into the mirror and you begin to cry your sad eyes meet the reflection of a wasted life boy dont you think its a sign that you should trun around? leave the darkness and put it aside? try to realize that everyone can change.

thougths on being eaten

2005-06-21T21:52:00.000+08:00

there is nothing more painful than being eaten by a shark.

ultra sharp razors of teeth, of death,

tearing your skin apart, cuttting through your bones like a milllion knives.

and after that, you are washed further into the big fish's oblivion with you own blood.

but the painful thing is not the masticating, the swallowing...

it's knowing that after this superb feast, it will always be hungry for something else

and you will be its past, forgotten and smelly, in the form of feces.

shark feces at that.

o! what a terrible thing to be eaten by a big angry fish!

there is nothing more painful than being eaten by a shark.

there is nothing more painful than being eaten by anything at all.

the one about limit.

2005-06-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

everytime i visit you i am reminded of the limits that life has set for us, the walls of imperfection we are amidst of, the unfairness of it all, and why. and like all answerable questions, i,too, have come up with my own. When we are given limits, the first thing is the end of that limit. that cruel vicious end of that limit. and since limits are lmits,no extensions, no delay, we make the most of our time because we foresee an end. This end inspires us to seize time lest it be gone forever, cherish it now because like all things that fade, time, too will fade without us noticing it and it will pass without us as it always does. limit teaches us to value. life, friendship,love, even hate... everyone is 'limited'. everything is limited. life on earth, as we know, is not eternal. perhaps we are cut short of the beautiful things so we will remember how beautiful it had felt when it occured...

Being far away from someone we so want to be close to is painful. even more when we need them by our side. but what have i said about limits? there is a limit to everything. a limit to the distance. a limit to the pain... and like all wounds that cure, like all bruises that heal, so shall the pain subside. there is a limit to time. but rmemeber there is a purpose for that. maybe the most beautiful of all things cannot be held forever. rather, they are grasped only for a limited time so that they can remain beautiful, and that its beauty never forgotten. perhaps the most beautiful things stay in our memories so when they come again, everything will feel brand new. kind of like finding something youve searched for for years. but you know what the truth is? they may be far, but they were never gone. in fact, they live with us everyday.... in the deepest crevices of our hearts, in the innermost strand of our memory... where we can have them forever. no limits. no distance. no time. but forever. just forever. in that beautiful perfect cycle of forever.

talo :c

2005-06-02T13:10:00.000+08:00

just watched the nba west finals at the pagaduan's house. the suns lost. :c stoudamire was amarezing (heheh get it?). duncan and of course...

steve nash!

c: haha. it's okay, everyone was a sport about it. plus the spurs are good and i like them, too. so that's fair enough for me. go go go!

2005-06-02T04:30:00.000+08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

star wars

2005-05-23T20:07:00.000+08:00

oo nga pala! tHe sAga is cOmpLete! :c

ao no hono. c:

2005-05-23T13:41:00.000+08:00

the film opens with a boy who has issues like sleeping in a glass box, talking to himself (via tape recorder) and laughing at random things or maybe even at nothing, giving us a hint that he is disturbed or somehow lonely due to personal problems at home as he learns painful truths about his family. seeing how much his family suffers from a stepfather who although divorced from his mother still lingers in the house drunk and monstrous, he intends to kill him in the most professional way there is. he is drawn to this experiment and is gradually gaining insanity... a girl friend who gets a hint of his depression, tries to heal him as she teaches him to escape with thoughts of happiness. she asks him to make a list of things that he like, things that make him happy. but hatred envelopes him and makes him numb to this. later he kills his stepfather with coldness and enough satisfaction to kill more who gets in the way of his plan. the police seems to be of more intelligence and after much arguement soon figures out his secret. so without a choice he turns himself in and begs time to say bye to his family and friends, promising to go back to the police as soon as he does. the next day he eats breakfast with his family. his sister jokes around pretending to be jealous of her brother's grilfriend while his mother asks what he wants to eat for supper later when he comes back home. he smiles with a smile that seems to hide so much and leaves the house. he visits his girl friend at school and they talk about everything that revolved the situation. she says "it is sad that people kill other people, but even sadder that they find the reason to do it (or i may have put it the wrong way heheh)." he apologizes and casually converses to silence the pain. eventually he says goodbye. he secretly leaves his tape recorder and plays it on his way out. he gets on his road racer and rides with the wind, as a truck drives by the road. shuichi meets the truck with his bike, and commits suicide. in the room, his girlfriend hears his voice, enlisting the things that make him happy... "...ga suki, ..ga suki... (i like..., i like...)".

hehehe! trying hard to make a summary! the movie was very good. depressing, really, but perhaps true in every human sense. the world will never free us from having reasons to deal with questions in an inhuman strategy (e.g:taking someone ele's or your own life). who could contain that much hate? the nature of human emotion is well understood. everyone's bound to go insane. pain eats up the brain. it's sad. but there's always something sadder.

p.s. i watched this without english subtitles! it couldve been a much better film if i understood every word they said :s

on my way to the dark side...

2005-05-19T09:10:00.000+08:00

on my way to see STARWARS III REVENGE OF THE SITH. c:

Special Message From George Lucas: “In a few short hours, many of you will have the greatest cinematic experience of your lives. This movie has been over 28 years in the making. When Star Wars first became a glimmer in my eye, I knew that the final episode of the prequels would be one of the defining moments in the history of motion pictures. Shadow and I have slaved for nearly three years on this one. Revenge of the Sith has all the darkness and foreboding of The Empire Strikes Back. It has all the escapism and excitement of Return of the Jedi and it has all the wonder and magic of the very first Star Wars film.

For the first time, you can decide the future of Star Wars. The burden is all on you and your friends. I implore each of you to watch Revenge of the Sith at the midnight showings that will cascade all across the world. Then tomorrow I ask for you to watch Revenge of the Sith all day long. Wake up early in the morning and watch the very first matinee. Then get back in line all day long and see the movie all over again many, many times. Each time you watch the film you will discover something new.

After you‘ve watched Revenge of the Sith a few dozen times in theaters, you will begin to appreciate all the hard work and effort that Shadow and I have poured into this film. We have given our all and the result is something that you can all feel proud of. Your ideas helped shape this film. You all made a difference. We did this together. Your best efforts will always be remembered and never forgotten. As always, may the Force be with you.”

just listing things

2005-05-19T01:20:00.000+08:00

on books:
goal - read read read learn learn learn live live live

finished:
tuesdays with morrie
series of unfortunate events vol 1
series of unfortunate events vol 2
sandman novel
sandman dream hunters
coraline
good omens
the end of the world and hard boiled wonderland
kitchen
neverwhere
the giving tree
where the sidewalk ends
falling up
lafcadio the lion who shot back
a child called it
the twelfth angel
alice in wonderland
through the looking glass
a walk to remember
gapo
abnkkbsnplak
the little prince
the catcher in the rye
to kill a mocking bird
etc

half read.. :s
my brother my executioner
everyhting is illumintaed
Bible

READ MORE! remember, you dream of having your own library in your house someday. c:

teach me to pray

2005-05-18T11:29:00.000+08:00

dear God,
i havent prayed in a long time
i am ashamed coming to you
with a song in my heart that wants to be heard
but Lord when i am lonely only you are there
see how i cannot even utter my prayers
instead write them down
it is safer here than inbetween the void of my vocal chords
where sometimes they cannot fit
and get lost
crushed before the chance of you hearing it
i forgot that you are poweful
hearing even the deepest silences
calming the cry that bears no sound
i am forgetful and full of excuses
whatever reasons i have,
for the life of me i couldn't see
listen to my soul
melancholy
she is alone and afraid
and she couldnt speak
dear God i pray in shame
please help me call out your name

the world's askew and life's a rack for i loved two and two loved me back"

2005-02-27T19:44:00.000+08:00

reading notes like alphabet while i play my words like rhapsodies in themes of lies which dialect what does it matter under the same twilight of scattered jewels a wave of nostalgia takes me away wishing that he reciprocates wherever he is

this is the price i pay for unreasonable discontent an obligation to accept a cry intented for no one to hear silent and hidden or a hushed death of the unfaithful tell me then what right do i have to want any memory back after piercing their hearts with a poisonous dagger of confusion carefully and surely almost enough to put its beating to a stop piercing probably including through my own it is stupid to want loneliness but this time it sounds convenient rather than sit and look at what i have done and say "it is good" how do i take everything back i am the traitor yet i too am the victim what the fuck yet with all faults slapped in my face given my betrayal and despite the obvious hurting fact i am still lost how could it be that i still do not know what i want he was present and i declined he is gone and i am shattered teach me o life cradle me once again in innocence's arms many will not understand they will think me evil unfaithful or dumb but let them be human we are and forever will be

you there who is reading notes like alphabet in the distant mountain, i miss you. "yozorano mukouniwa ashitaga mou matteiru. beyond the night sky tomorrow is already waiting." till we meet again.

duybads

2004-11-26T16:45:00.000+08:00

all the things im not. and wished to be? i am not sure. would it make me more of who i am if i changed? changed for who? changed for what? these are all the things im not.

i am not always true. but you're a hypocrite too.
i am not always pure. but im no less than you're.
i am not who you think i am. i can think of a million things but then id hate myself. so never mind. im tired. bye.

nyay! walang kwentang entry! next time nalang pagod na pala ako.

olats. pathetic. anything that could pass as negative.

2004-10-30T11:17:00.000+08:00

a lot of things happened the past few weeks. it had been the most tiring week of all. i have loved and lost and wishing to gain back in such a short span of time. i have done terrible things and had took away a person's trust. i had made my life miserable for myself. i had made people's lives miserable as well. shit. we've learned about taking responsibilty for our actions so many times in the whole course of our lives, yet, we are never struck by its lesson, we often take it for granted...but for what excuse? for the excuse that there are words that could compensate for what we have done. words,lies, like "im, sorry.";"please forgive me..." though knowing, we are bound to make mistakes along the way. we are made to be that way. the excuse that we are human... well, you see, i have done a bad thing. and i am a bad person and i am every inch of a bad thing now that floats in this world. i beg to differ. it was really nothing and maybe im just shallow. but it was bad enough for me. i feel as if there are no excuses for it. but i have to excuse myself for salvation... i am just human. flawed and inexperienced... but never was there a time ive felt that i had stepped lower than being human, than after this. for what excuse? i am tired of apologizing and regretting. perhaps in vain, or in a desperate hope of being forgiven. i should give a little credit to my honesty. honesty was the only force left to use. so i did, with the risk of losing what i could never dream of losing. i bet my life, and i lost. hehe. badtrip. but i am still clinging to a hope for a dream to come back. tomorrow is not too far away form here. a hope for a love to accept all of my humanity again. olats.

5 minutes lang to

2004-10-25T13:28:00.000+08:00

5 minute conversations and a sip of hot tea where do we begin from an end like this when can we get past promises that we cant keep have we found reasons for making them at all aaaaaaaaaaaaa i believe somethings are fucking pointless yet with a certain point to contradict istself its always like that tea is cold time is running out by now 2 minutes have passed i promised 5 but my promises are sealed in ice would i be more of a fool if i decided to stay 5 minute conversations for star crossed lovers i never needed a vacation from this star crossed loving it is i who misaligned them from their orbit hold me before time runs out it is never too late to make last minute decisions could i still prove wrong this date over tea and 5 minute conversations how i made everything wrong with sympathy it meant nothing yet everything now for this affair

chchchchchanges

2004-09-18T13:52:00.000+08:00

i do not want to see butterflies turn into something new. they are beautiful that way. and we know at 7, we wished for nothing else. all we wanted to do back then was fly, catch rainbows til we retire. go back home to rose gardens and sleep with all the colors. we never knew thorns were hidden somewhere there... i do not want to hear the chirping of birds being accompanied by strings and brass and the everflowing melody of a harp. it is beautiful that way. and we know at 18, we had risen to its peaceful sound. in its simplicity. in its monophonic allure. all we want to do is sing, and dance to rythms of prevailing peace. go home to sweet ensembles to keep us dreaming. but no one remembered that someday our songs would be out of tune. i want to turn away from evolution. avoid asking for more than what is given. this wish too difficult to grant will never be granted. and we know at 99, we have forgotten. it is only then that we are free.

girl,interrupted

2004-09-18T13:13:00.000+08:00

"Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted."

"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."

excellent. :)

you are, you are..

2004-09-06T16:14:00.000+08:00

you dont listen. but you find your way through.

i envy you.

you are good at so many games, but you are best at not listenning.

sometimes, you are best. that's it.

you are impossible. you are entertaining. you are making me wonder.

you wish you are invisible. little did you know, you are more than invincible

you could never lose a match.

you are good at making illusions, but better with allusions...

you are proud. you are innocent. you are unaware.

you dont listen, but you are still at your best. you are still smiling.

and i am confused.

you are happy with life, but i can see when you pretend.

you are good at becoming what you are, too.

you are funny. you are crazy. you are sad inside that shell.

my words are lucid, and you are but that.

the ambiguity that no one can tame is beyond what we can bear.

teach yourself, but make it work. you are yet to be absolved.

you are a half-grasped fantasy. you are high class. you can not be reached.

my place is in the twilight between two things that float in oblivion.

my ambiguity is beyond what you can bear. and we are both at fault.

why do you keep me down? why do i struggle to keep you up?

you are difficult to comprehend. and i am trying to become a savior.

you make me want to marvel you. you make me want to leave you alone.

you are too much to handle, you are bewildering. you are making me cry.

you make me want to unravel your mystery. you make me want to leave you clueless.

you never listen. you are killing my pride. you caught my eye, and i am not going anywhere.

why did you read this

2004-09-06T12:08:00.000+08:00

to whom it may concern, you know who are. i am embarassed that you read this. written here are personal feelings, uncertainty, shame, loss, my life unfolding. since when has these things become subject to anyone's judgement? you see, that is why i am ashamed. say for example, the entry that was SECRETLY supposed to be addressed to you... i am embarassed that you read it because what if these are not true? then i had just given up my vanity and my conceit. if these are untrue, i apologize. if they are, then i do not know whatelse to say. maybe there's more to it, but as of now, i prefer to keep still. i apologize for trouble.

update

2004-09-01T11:16:00.000+08:00

i havent found the time to update. not that anyone's reading this. i don't know whom i shall address this to but who ever you are, step right up. youre just in time! let me tell you the story of important dates striving to be remembered. as i seem to have prolonged my vacation in school, i forgot my litt;le niche in the worldwildweb. i think sometimes this is where you truly belong.well,the updates haru and i just celebrated our anniversary the 26th. he cooked carbonara, a dish i honestly do not eat. having tasted his cooking, i know i still wouldn't be fond of it. well, not to the point of taking it with me for a stroll in the park, and not to the point of taking it to the movies (as a date). and yes, not to the point of making it my personal intimate friend. but i know that having tasted his cooking, i might admit to this defeat: that someday i would love to eat it even when a feast is prepared before me. that guy is very beautiful. i mean in every angle. no matter how you put him. this i know: that i am very blessed. ...we did exchange gifts also. i made him a sketch, if you could put it that way, of us and put it in a frame. and he on the other hand, gave me neil gaiman's book, "good omens." it's hilarious. after that the rain was just plain mad so he had to go home. the 28th was a saturday. and that was my turn to surprise him with something. since we got a lot of coupons from dusit hotel after they did a shameful thing to us (fuck you dusit hotel! biro lang), i just took him there. we ate 2000 worth of japanese food. i was so full. very full. so very full even. that's all on our anniversary. the rest of the weeks had been very fun, too. all is well with me today. i hope that goes for you, too. good day! :)

what almost killed us

2004-08-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

"ya ur ryt, nothing is important to me anymore. at least not you. and why are we even wasting our time? shouldn't you be talking to someone else?" painful words from a gentle man.

you always come as a surprise. behind me i know that scent. and "the only time i am alone is when i am not with you." folly seems to find its way through those flattery lines. do you speak from your warm gentle chest? or do you wish to deceive me with these words seeming second best? perhaps... forgive me. i am not letting it work. or perhaps... deceive me. because i can die for those eyes. do not make me cry and yearn. dare not beg me see thouroughly. you will hear me decline. dear. do not tell me what you're hiding, i can always see beneath who you really are and i don't want to lose you, giving lasting scars. escaping though you are in the wrong lane. we had been strangers unfamiliar and oblivious. let it be. for that is enough.

sweet sweet life

2004-08-02T11:35:00.000+08:00

how much do they price life in your candy store? mine is free and ever sweeter than before. would you like to take some? perhaps bring them home? im done with mine. take it, dont leave some for the rest. be selfish and keep it for yourself. please do take it... then i'd say, "mine is free and ever sweeter than when i first said so."

sad clown

2004-08-01T22:30:00.000+08:00

you're always happy.

laughing...laughing...man. do you ever think of tomorrow?

sad clown, why are you happy?

to infinity and beyond, karatekid. *

2004-07-01T12:14:00.000+08:00

dear friend,
no one has ever called me mayor sam before. thank you for starting the trend. though, it is, out of all trends probably the most horrible and unfitting. for i am a girl, just an ordinary one, studying in a university with a course that shall not, or never, may i add, bring me any closer to that title. i also, do not have plans of living in a small town called pinili. it is beautiful there, mind you. but the wen's and anya tinagan mo's and uki ninam's are just not my type...but still, if this little hobby of yours calling me that will make you smile, then you may, after all, call me by my grandfather's most respected name. :) also , i know that the japanese prose on the side got you to download a translator...would it disappoint you if i said i didn't write them? those are just songs that i've come to love. i am not good at speaking and writing yet, but i think im getting close. maybe soon, when our paths cross again, i shall be able to welcome you in this tongue. but for now, let us savor our own, for this is how we've understood eachother through out (except for the occassional invent language we have).

well...many things have been going on. it is always sad that they pass me by when you are not here. for most of my good memories are shared with you. life is selfish, sometimes leaving us in a situation that we can't get ourselves out, but it is always reasonable. it hurts. that it has to make sense all the time. even when you're not ready. what a mask this person called life is wearing...

i love hearing your news, too. may it be known that i check your stories all of the time...it seems that you are nearer this way (also, easier to make my layout this way. hehe i just almost copied yours. i hope you're not mad). i never grow weary of you. when your stories are sad, i feel helpless because i couldnt do anything. when your stories are happy, remember that i am smiling with you. how i miss you, my karate kid (i made you a nickname too. but 'i miss you karate kid' just sounds a little cheesy). but, i will never never never give up. i know ill see you. when that time comes i will not be able to contain my happiness. but as we wait, we have our lives to live. hold on to that and keep the faith... these words shall always put us through. thank you... for memories, for never ending stories... thank you for friendship.

tonight tonight tonight...

2004-06-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

tonight had gone swiftly than i had expected... a series of fights never make things better. things starting out right always end up completely wrong, and things strating out wrong end up completely wrong still. what kind of life are we living anyway. makes me think. makes me laugh. how boring. tonight i am afraid of many things. confused, too. for the past few days ive felt as if ive lost someone and all that connects to that person. it's unclear. sometimes i think im crazy, thinking too much. but he is, too. that's why sometimes we're getting nowhere. tonight i want to see where things have gone wrong, or how it started... because i have no clue to the hows whens and whys of this issue. heck i don't even know what it is. tonight i think i want to cry. but why? without a reason it'd just be stupid. but stupid is stupid does. (?) the time in my clock just stopped. it makes me want to go back. everything was different before. and i smiled 8 times. tonight i could also write the saddest lines, like for example: "i dont know whats happening to me." tonight i choose not to believe in any kind of malpractice. i was always pure with these feelings. following it wherever it takes me or whatever it takes. whenever. whyever (just felt like finishing the 5 W's). i am pure, i believe. i do not lie, i believe. probably, dear, you must believe so yourself. that this is just a phase. just a memory that will vanish in the morning. tonight, we had almost lost faith. destroyed the hope we built ourselves all this time. tonight is the 29th of june. and tonight he confessed, 'i dont want to lose you.' in my mind, i confessed also. tonight had gone swiftly than i had expected. good night...

everyone's moving away

2004-06-25T17:16:00.000+08:00

there's no excuse for not seeing her leave us. last week she left for good. in search of beautiful things she had failed to see in the land that promised too much. she wasnt happy here. but who am i to judge... i lie and hurt myself. for once, under witnessing stars, she said she would hate to leave me. i dont want to be selfish, choosing fate for her, walking ahead in her path. those things are not for me to hold. i could only ask, why everyone must move away. first a curly haired little girl who journeyed with me through adolescence. then she... she had the fairest smile by which her lovers were collected and not selected. for she knew she belonged to only one. she was pure and set her heart upon one man whom we did not agree to. he hurt her once and i never would have allowed it should i have seen it coming. but her smile became fairer by the minute he was near...and i could not resist the smile of my friend. she was always beautiful...that smile, and all... now, she is gone. in a second she was. she is loving the weather, the difference, as we speak. it killed me to know her. to have loved her, just to see her off.or to not see her off that is. for what bigger regret is there than to not have seen her off but instead heading for the sand? the point is that I wasn't able to see her for teh last time, and not before she left even. but then i'm thinking...maybe that was better for me because i wouldn't have allowed her to leave anyway. because of all people i was the most selfish one. and because of all suckers, i hated goodbyes the most. it makes me sad that the last time i saw her wasn't that much a special day. maybe the kind of day she would easily forget once she spends better days in her new home with her new friends... the three of us got our drinks, signed our contracts, talked as if we had the whole lifetime to, made fun of her like the old times, loved her like always, then we left. lucky tash, she was still able to see her a couple of days...but me, i had to follow the rules. i had to sit down and do nothing and wait patiently for my friend to move away from us,and come back home to nothing. i hated it that i had so many things to tell her because I DIDNT TELL HER ANYWAY... i am a coward!!!!! shoot me. im sure though, that she already knows it. she already has a clue. and though we were cut short of so many things, i am thankful that things happened between us. and her leaving just proved everything that had given me doubts wrong. now that i let this out of my chest, i am relieved and happy. smiling, even. and with our promises sealed in the safest places, i find myself complete. lacking nothing. wanting to get myself a drink, even. goodbye crista. ill see you soon.

idol!

2004-05-17T18:28:00.000+08:00

beautiful face beautiful mind beautiful talent. idol!

wanted: jesus

2004-05-11T11:12:00.000+08:00

tuesday, so god help us. we are held prisoners in this small island of devils with only a holy book and a prayer in our hands. still, you bless us with two wrong choices for a leader. an actor, and a bitch. two from the same genre. what good can they do? to the poor they give money from our pockets. to the rich, nothing. corrupt to the very last bone in their bodies, with a mole and a fancy hairdo to cover up their schemes. where is the place for the righteous? have you forgotten about this little spot in the globe? i can only pray otherwise. dear god, where can i find a pumpkin chariot waiting to take off by my command to escape the wretched reality we had all unfortunately been a character of? if this is the glimpse of reality you had prepared for us, alas, let me waste away in my dreams until you know when. i had never known myself to be a cynic. usually i am happy as happy can get, but faced with the current sitauations, even a hyaena would swallow its laugh. pride rock is doomed forever!!!!!!! parang ganon. it's only now that i have found love for a country that has done me no good. maybe we are all growing up, caring for futures waiting to be misshapen by an animal farm. Lord, you know i am never against your plans, but for today, i can only ask forever. lead us?

daisuki ne!

2004-05-07T13:43:00.000+08:00

i love.

plus! happy bday mom! and crista's party tonight!

dad on strike

2004-05-02T21:13:00.000+08:00

there is a war going on in this house. my dad versus my mom, my dad versus me, my dad versus the world or at least he thinks. he's been watching movies by himself, and stuff that lonely people are supposed to do. last friday i did a stupid thing, that i deep down to the ground do not regret. i disobeyed rules for a certain reason. shallow, but, a reason none the less. it had affected a lot, especially how he sees a certain japanese guy that i would defend with my life. this had made me very sad. and this had made me wish that the freaky friday never happened.

nihon study!

2004-04-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

ohayo! i'm on my way to church. but! here are words for study:

kiseki - miracle
koeru - to pass through, cross over
mitsumeru - stare , gaze at
mukau - head towards

refelcting on current events

2004-04-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

shit i feel very bad about not being able to see karla on her 18th birthday. to think she went to mine with a gift even. help. sue me. i am a bad friend. aaaaaa pano ba to. this day had gone perfectly wrong for me (except for the fact that i completed the html codes for this blog. yehey!). actually...i COULD have gone to karla's, but i didnt want my dad to think i was abusing my freedom. so, i needed to choose limit. sorry karla bello, happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday to you. second, i had a small turned out gigantic fight with haru on the phone. i would really, really, honestly, truthfully, hontoni (o kung hindi mo pa paniwalaan yan ewan ko na) want to be the girl he had in mind. i would really, really, honestly, truthfully, hontoni (o kung hindi mo pa paniwalaan yan ewan ko na part 2 ) do everything in my power to be that girl. so please, give me the chance. a chance to prove myself. a chance to change. a chance to see that i am sucking at this thing right now, and still kind of clueless. i need a resolution! i need to grow up! i need to rethink my life! i need to think about others! i need to step on my pride! i need many things... but now, i need to do something about the pimple that's growing under my nose. good night. oyasumi nasai.

reflecting on past events

2004-04-25T00:13:00.000+08:00

they say that love wins. that it always does. but once i believed in this too much that i had fallen out of it with a reason that upto now isn't clear. will it ever be, i am not sure. but once i had loved forever and threw it away in an instant. how i cried. when the stars watched and took my regret til they bursted, i cried. i waited for old stars to die so they can give birth to new ones that would contain my deepest regrets again, so i could cry again. perhaps in vain, because all that had happened was slain by me. i am the culprit, and i beg my victim to forgive me. because i had left him with empty stars, and with a hope that love always wins-that it always wins

shin koyamada!

2004-04-24T19:44:00.000+08:00

there's something about the movie...

then, there's something about this guy... :oops:

picturepicture!

2004-04-23T15:46:00.000+08:00

not that you should be interested in this, but i think it's pretty funny.:D

hello world

2004-04-23T15:20:00.000+08:00

yipee im hoping that i found the best blog host. but, im yet to find out. yehey yehey yehey yehey. okay tama na.

hajimemashite!

2004-03-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

hajimemashite! i just spent the whole week with the naito family. tanoshii desu.
friday:31904: haru's gig in intramuros. sugoi... amazing guitar by the yakitori. hajimemashite to dannysan and emirichan.
saturday:32004: roaming around in sm southmall. hajimemeashite to michikosan. i have never seen people who can spend too long in one store. they said the prices are really different here. cheaper. pesos were spent for candles and angel things and shoes. we ate at fukuya, a japanese fastfood.
sunday:32104: emily's luau inspired debut in laguna. messed up a very nice song (nothing but love). hazukashii... spent too much time with my message (too long for a non-family member! gomen ne). tried to dance swing with emily, but "nanika" nalang. made wishes on a balloon that's on its way to heaven.
tuesday:32304: tagaytay! swam and ate too much somen. umai. took crazy pictures in tagaytay highlands (we were the only ones there. in the night time,mind you. scarey.)
wednesday:32404: michikosan cooked for erika's birthday. jamming with haru, but ended up fighting. didn't talk the whole night. i ended up playing basketball with the rest of his family. tsukareta! demo, tanoshii desu. shared printclub with emily. i think the japanese people would spent 1 milion yen on sticker pictures.
thursday:32504: atc with the naito family. misunderstanding with haru. not again!! took 3 sticker pictures, and went to bf. went to a graduation party in alabang. very nice place. "diet starts tomorrow!" last day... sabishi...
friday:32604: went to the airport to give them a painting, and a scrapbook for emily. sayonara. very sad... he's all alone again. well, i'm still here, if it means anything.
sayonara, naito family. see you soon.

the king of dreams

2004-03-10T19:40:00.000+08:00

today i am reading the sandman: dream hunters graphic novel for the second time. im planning to use it for my term paper. if, that is, my beautiful teacher would still consider me a student. a while ago "he" already mouthed the words "dinrop na kita" which was the 3 most painful words i have ever heard since "wala ng palaman" this morning at the breakfast table. i nearly died. but of course i tried not to, as not to make such big a commotion in my school. anyway, im still clinging to a deep hope that i will be able to pass the subject. enough about these worries...ah, yes, the book...i have never met a more elegant comic in the whole course of my reading life (or maybe because i wasn't born a reader?) than when i turned the last page of this graphic novel. i highly recommend this to everyone. to readers, and artists (as you will be introduced to a great japanese painter, yoshitaka amano upon reading this book), and to anyone who had loved someone with their whole hearts, that at one point, they were willing to die for the emotion. there are many things to learn, apart form the waking world. we can learn in dreams, and from creatures that have been living only in our minds. for the king of all night's dreaming knows a lot of things. strange and new and extraordinary things. and when, by chance, you dream of ghastly dreams and bad omens, he shall not be far. should you need him.

"nothing is done entirely for nothing. nothing is wasted. you are older, and you have made decisions, and you are not the fox you were yesterday. Take what you have learned, and move on." -fox of dreams