29.6.04
tonight tonight tonight...
cucayucay
10:13 午後
tonight had gone swiftly than i had expected... a series of fights never make things better. things starting out right always end up completely wrong, and things strating out wrong end up completely wrong still. what kind of life are we living anyway. makes me think. makes me laugh. how boring. tonight i am afraid of many things. confused, too. for the past few days ive felt as if ive lost someone and all that connects to that person. it's unclear. sometimes i think im crazy, thinking too much. but he is, too. that's why sometimes we're getting nowhere. tonight i want to see where things have gone wrong, or how it started... because i have no clue to the hows whens and whys of this issue. heck i don't even know what it is. tonight i think i want to cry. but why? without a reason it'd just be stupid. but stupid is stupid does. (?) the time in my clock just stopped. it makes me want to go back. everything was different before. and i smiled 8 times. tonight i could also write the saddest lines, like for example: "i dont know whats happening to me." tonight i choose not to believe in any kind of malpractice. i was always pure with these feelings. following it wherever it takes me or whatever it takes. whenever. whyever (just felt like finishing the 5 W's). i am pure, i believe. i do not lie, i believe. probably, dear, you must believe so yourself. that this is just a phase. just a memory that will vanish in the morning. tonight, we had almost lost faith. destroyed the hope we built ourselves all this time. tonight is the 29th of june. and tonight he confessed, 'i dont want to lose you.' in my mind, i confessed also. tonight had gone swiftly than i had expected. good night...
there's no excuse for not seeing her leave us. last week she left for good. in search of beautiful things she had failed to see in the land that promised too much. she wasnt happy here. but who am i to judge... i lie and hurt myself. for once, under witnessing stars, she said she would hate to leave me. i dont want to be selfish, choosing fate for her, walking ahead in her path. those things are not for me to hold. i could only ask, why everyone must move away. first a curly haired little girl who journeyed with me through adolescence. then she... she had the fairest smile by which her lovers were collected and not selected. for she knew she belonged to only one. she was pure and set her heart upon one man whom we did not agree to. he hurt her once and i never would have allowed it should i have seen it coming. but her smile became fairer by the minute he was near...and i could not resist the smile of my friend. she was always beautiful...that smile, and all... now, she is gone. in a second she was. she is loving the weather, the difference, as we speak. it killed me to know her. to have loved her, just to see her off.or to not see her off that is. for what bigger regret is there than to not have seen her off but instead heading for the sand? the point is that I wasn't able to see her for teh last time, and not before she left even. but then i'm thinking...maybe that was better for me because i wouldn't have allowed her to leave anyway. because of all people i was the most selfish one. and because of all suckers, i hated goodbyes the most. it makes me sad that the last time i saw her wasn't that much a special day. maybe the kind of day she would easily forget once she spends better days in her new home with her new friends... the three of us got our drinks, signed our contracts, talked as if we had the whole lifetime to, made fun of her like the old times, loved her like always, then we left. lucky tash, she was still able to see her a couple of days...but me, i had to follow the rules. i had to sit down and do nothing and wait patiently for my friend to move away from us,and come back home to nothing. i hated it that i had so many things to tell her because I DIDNT TELL HER ANYWAY... i am a coward!!!!! shoot me. im sure though, that she already knows it. she already has a clue. and though we were cut short of so many things, i am thankful that things happened between us. and her leaving just proved everything that had given me doubts wrong. now that i let this out of my chest, i am relieved and happy. smiling, even. and with our promises sealed in the safest places, i find myself complete. lacking nothing. wanting to get myself a drink, even. goodbye crista. ill see you soon.
name: cucay
age: 19
currently: escaping / travelling
current music: the cucay song - haru
current book: everything is illuminated - jonathan safran foer
current movie: ao no hono
current...um...current: low tide yata ngayon (duybads.)
Are kara bokutachi wa
Nanika wo shinjite koreta ka naa
Yozora no mukou ni wa
Ashita ga mou matte iru**
If you are a dreamer,come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hope-r, a praye-r, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in! -shel silverstein
When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better.'It's all right' we whisper, 'I'm here, I love you.' and we lie: 'I'll never leave you.' For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad." - neil gaiman
maybe everyone out there is a liar. and maybe the whole world is stupid, and ignorant. but I'd rather be in it. -susanna kaysen
Two paths diverged into the wood,
and I, I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference. - robert frost
we don't read and write poetry because it's cute. we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. and the human race is filled with passion. and medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. to quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse." ...that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. what will your verse be? - professor keating for dps
do not believe anything you hear. no matter where you have read it or no matter who have said. even if i had said it. as long as it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - buddha
...jai guru deva om, nothing's gonna change my world nothing's gonna change my world nothing's gonna change my world nothing's gonna change my world...- the beatles for across the universe
...color the coast with your smile its the most genuine thing that ive ever seen i was so lost, but now i believe...-dashboard confessional for carry this picture
...i said ive gotta be honest, ive been waiting for you all my life. for so long i thought i was asylum bound but just seeing you makes me think twice. being with you here makes me sane i fear ill go crazy if you leave my side. youve got wits youve got looks youve got passion are you brave enough to leave with me tonight? ill be true ill be useful ill be cavlier ill be yours my dear. and ill belong to you if youll just let me through. this is easy as lovers go, so dont complicate it by hesitating, this is wonderful as loving goes this is tailor made. whats the sense in waiting? -dashboard confessional for as lovers go
...that one last shot's a permanent vacation and how high can you fly with broken wings? life's a journey, not a destination and I just can't tell what tomorrow brings It's amazing, with the blink of an eye you finally see the light It's amazing, when the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright It's amazing, and I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight... -aerosmith for amazing
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you** -U2 for with or without you
I took my love, I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills til the landslide brought it down Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? Well Iâve been afraid of changing cause iâve Built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And Iâm getting older, too Well Iâve been afraid of changing cause iâve Built my life around you Time makes you bolder Even children get older And Iâm getting older, too I get older, too I took my love and took it down I climbed a mountain, I turned around And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills The landslide brought it down The landslide brought it down-fleetwood mac for landslide
~.hello i am francesca my name is beautiful but never used i am anything your mind permits me to be if not then youve yet to see i am fantastic i am real and most of the time i am screaming inside this shell i am francesca rosella paño pagdilao love me or leave me alone.~
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(: ***
bam bam
barbie's cradle
I wanted the fire of the city
And the safety of home
I decided that i would still love me
When my youth is gone
I've many things in my mind
Oh so many kinds
But may your voice be the one
That i easily recognize
What i wanted was too big a dream
But i got you and i have everything
Whatever you say i say go
And we run all the way
If you wanna stop let me know
I will stay where you will stay
My heart is burning inside
From the things that you say
It's a pity what happens to night
At the coming of the day
What i wanted was too big a dream
But i got you and i have everything**
...and I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever if anything could ever be this good again... - foo fighters for everlong
hands downbreathe in for luck,breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control. Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all. My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer. The words are hushed lets not get busted; just lay entwined here, undiscovered. Safe in here from all the stupid questions. "hey did you get some?" Man, that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear... so we can get some. Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in. And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it. And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it, and I knew, that you meant it, that you meant it.**
there's no combination of words
i could put on the back of a postcard
no song I could sing but I can try for your heart
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs with sepiatone loving.
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
like why are we here? and where do we go?
and how come it's so hard?
it's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
i'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together
...And there is no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing, We're Better together. - jack johnson for better together
so will it ever be? ive tried so hard to find sweet serenity are you still afraid just close your eyes and dream the feeling fade away time wont flow everyone knows when the pain fades away dreams wont die, tears in our eyes youve got to hold your head up high. hold your head up high its taken some time and ive given off the will to change your state of mind im trying to understand its not so hard to see that i am just a man ...so will it ever be? ive tried so hard to find sweet serenity im trying to understand its not so hard to see that i am just a man-the speaks for high