<dreaming aloud>

18.9.04
chchchchchanges
cucayucay
1:52 午後

i do not want to see butterflies turn into something new. they are beautiful that way. and we know at 7, we wished for nothing else. all we wanted to do back then was fly, catch rainbows til we retire. go back home to rose gardens and sleep with all the colors. we never knew thorns were hidden somewhere there... i do not want to hear the chirping of birds being accompanied by strings and brass and the everflowing melody of a harp. it is beautiful that way. and we know at 18, we had risen to its peaceful sound. in its simplicity. in its monophonic allure. all we want to do is sing, and dance to rythms of prevailing peace. go home to sweet ensembles to keep us dreaming. but no one remembered that someday our songs would be out of tune. i want to turn away from evolution. avoid asking for more than what is given. this wish too difficult to grant will never be granted. and we know at 99, we have forgotten. it is only then that we are free.

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girl,interrupted
cucayucay
1:13 午後

"Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted."

"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."

excellent. :)

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6.9.04
you are, you are..
cucayucay
4:14 午後

you dont listen. but you find your way through.

i envy you.

you are good at so many games, but you are best at not listenning.

sometimes, you are best. that's it.

you are impossible. you are entertaining. you are making me wonder.

you wish you are invisible. little did you know, you are more than invincible

you could never lose a match.

you are good at making illusions, but better with allusions...

you are proud. you are innocent. you are unaware.

you dont listen, but you are still at your best. you are still smiling.

and i am confused.

you are happy with life, but i can see when you pretend.

you are good at becoming what you are, too.

you are funny. you are crazy. you are sad inside that shell.

my words are lucid, and you are but that.

the ambiguity that no one can tame is beyond what we can bear.

teach yourself, but make it work. you are yet to be absolved.

you are a half-grasped fantasy. you are high class. you can not be reached.

my place is in the twilight between two things that float in oblivion.

my ambiguity is beyond what you can bear. and we are both at fault.

why do you keep me down? why do i struggle to keep you up?

you are difficult to comprehend. and i am trying to become a savior.

you make me want to marvel you. you make me want to leave you alone.

you are too much to handle, you are bewildering. you are making me cry.

you make me want to unravel your mystery. you make me want to leave you clueless.

you never listen. you are killing my pride. you caught my eye, and i am not going anywhere.

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why did you read this
cucayucay
12:08 午後

to whom it may concern, you know who are. i am embarassed that you read this. written here are personal feelings, uncertainty, shame, loss, my life unfolding. since when has these things become subject to anyone's judgement? you see, that is why i am ashamed. say for example, the entry that was SECRETLY supposed to be addressed to you... i am embarassed that you read it because what if these are not true? then i had just given up my vanity and my conceit. if these are untrue, i apologize. if they are, then i do not know whatelse to say. maybe there's more to it, but as of now, i prefer to keep still. i apologize for trouble.

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1.9.04
update
cucayucay
11:16 午前

i havent found the time to update. not that anyone's reading this. i don't know whom i shall address this to but who ever you are, step right up. youre just in time! let me tell you the story of important dates striving to be remembered. as i seem to have prolonged my vacation in school, i forgot my litt;le niche in the worldwildweb. i think sometimes this is where you truly belong.well,the updates haru and i just celebrated our anniversary the 26th. he cooked carbonara, a dish i honestly do not eat. having tasted his cooking, i know i still wouldn't be fond of it. well, not to the point of taking it with me for a stroll in the park, and not to the point of taking it to the movies (as a date). and yes, not to the point of making it my personal intimate friend. but i know that having tasted his cooking, i might admit to this defeat: that someday i would love to eat it even when a feast is prepared before me. that guy is very beautiful. i mean in every angle. no matter how you put him. this i know: that i am very blessed. ...we did exchange gifts also. i made him a sketch, if you could put it that way, of us and put it in a frame. and he on the other hand, gave me neil gaiman's book, "good omens." it's hilarious. after that the rain was just plain mad so he had to go home. the 28th was a saturday. and that was my turn to surprise him with something. since we got a lot of coupons from dusit hotel after they did a shameful thing to us (fuck you dusit hotel! biro lang), i just took him there. we ate 2000 worth of japanese food. i was so full. very full. so very full even. that's all on our anniversary. the rest of the weeks had been very fun, too. all is well with me today. i hope that goes for you, too. good day! :)

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W E L C O M E

If you are a dreamer,come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hope-r, a praye-r, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in! -shel silverstein

think

When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better.'It's all right' we whisper, 'I'm here, I love you.' and we lie: 'I'll never leave you.' For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad." - neil gaiman

maybe everyone out there is a liar. and maybe the whole world is stupid, and ignorant. but I'd rather be in it. -susanna kaysen

Two paths diverged into the wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. - robert frost

we don't read and write poetry because it's cute. we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. and the human race is filled with passion. and medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. to quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse." ...that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. what will your verse be? - professor keating for dps

do not believe anything you hear. no matter where you have read it or no matter who have said. even if i had said it. as long as it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - buddha

music 1

...jai guru deva om, nothing's gonna change my world nothing's gonna change my world nothing's gonna change my world nothing's gonna change my world...- the beatles for across the universe

...color the coast with your smile its the most genuine thing that ive ever seen i was so lost, but now i believe...-dashboard confessional for carry this picture

...i said ive gotta be honest, ive been waiting for you all my life. for so long i thought i was asylum bound but just seeing you makes me think twice. being with you here makes me sane i fear ill go crazy if you leave my side. youve got wits youve got looks youve got passion are you brave enough to leave with me tonight? ill be true ill be useful ill be cavlier ill be yours my dear. and ill belong to you if youll just let me through. this is easy as lovers go, so dont complicate it by hesitating, this is wonderful as loving goes this is tailor made. whats the sense in waiting? -dashboard confessional for as lovers go

...that one last shot's a permanent vacation and how high can you fly with broken wings? life's a journey, not a destination and I just can't tell what tomorrow brings It's amazing, with the blink of an eye you finally see the light It's amazing, when the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright It's amazing, and I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight... -aerosmith for amazing

See the stone set in your eyes See the thorn twist in your side I wait for you Sleight of hand and twist of fate On a bed of nails she makes me wait And I wait without you With or without you With or without you Through the storm we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you And you give yourself away And you give yourself away And you give And you give And you give yourself away My hands are tied My body bruised, she's got me with Nothing to win and Nothing left to lose And you give yourself away And you give yourself away And you give And you give And you give yourself away With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you** -U2 for with or without you

I took my love, I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills til the landslide brought it down Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? Well Iâve been afraid of changing cause iâve Built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And Iâm getting older, too Well Iâve been afraid of changing cause iâve Built my life around you Time makes you bolder Even children get older And Iâm getting older, too I get older, too I took my love and took it down I climbed a mountain, I turned around And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills The landslide brought it down The landslide brought it down-fleetwood mac for landslide

C U C A Y

~.hello i am francesca my name is beautiful but never used i am anything your mind permits me to be if not then youve yet to see i am fantastic i am real and most of the time i am screaming inside this shell i am francesca rosella paÃ±o pagdilao love me or leave me alone.~

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voice

(: ***

music 2

bam bam
barbie's cradle
I wanted the fire of the city And the safety of home I decided that i would still love me When my youth is gone I've many things in my mind Oh so many kinds But may your voice be the one That i easily recognize What i wanted was too big a dream But i got you and i have everything Whatever you say i say go And we run all the way If you wanna stop let me know I will stay where you will stay My heart is burning inside From the things that you say It's a pity what happens to night At the coming of the day What i wanted was too big a dream But i got you and i have everything**

...and I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever if anything could ever be this good again... - foo fighters for everlong

hands down
dashboard confessional(jik.i agree)

breathe in for luck,breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control. Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all. My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer. The words are hushed lets not get busted; just lay entwined here, undiscovered. Safe in here from all the stupid questions. "hey did you get some?" Man, that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear... so we can get some. Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in. And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it. And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it, and I knew, that you meant it, that you meant it.**

there's no combination of words i could put on the back of a postcard no song I could sing but I can try for your heart our dreams, and they are made out of real things like a shoebox of photographs with sepiatone loving. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart like why are we here? and where do we go? and how come it's so hard? it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving i'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together
...And there is no song I could sing And there is no combination of words I could say But I will still tell you one thing, We're Better together. - jack johnson for better together

so will it ever be? ive tried so hard to find sweet serenity are you still afraid just close your eyes and dream the feeling fade away time wont flow everyone knows when the pain fades away dreams wont die, tears in our eyes youve got to hold your head up high. hold your head up high its taken some time and ive given off the will to change your state of mind im trying to understand its not so hard to see that i am just a man ...so will it ever be? ive tried so hard to find sweet serenity im trying to understand its not so hard to see that i am just a man-the speaks for high